Sangh Samachar

Bhutto’s death mourned by one and all

Posted in satire by ravi on December 27, 2007

The Indian political establishment has reacted with shock to the assassination of former Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in a suicide attack today. Terming it “a cowardly act by desperate individuals”, a senior Congress party leader expressed hope that the people of Pakistan would overcome this tragedy with maturity and poise. “When Indiraji was killed, Rajiv was a political greenhorn, but we stood by him and he soon matured into a great leader. And when Rajiv was killed, we hoped Sonia-ji would take over immediately. If she had done so, the Congress party would have reaped a massive sympathy vote in 1991 and would have been stronger than it is today.”

“Everybody reacts to grief differently, you can’t fault Sonia-ji for not taking reins of the party after the shocking loss of her husband”, another leader intervened. “But all said and done, we were always faithful to the family that has given its all to the party. Now, with Rahul being active politically and Priyanka ostensibly ready to jump in when necessary, we feel more secure than ever, the drubbing in Gujarat notwithstanding.”

The BJP reaction has so far been muted, save for a one-line press note: “The party extends its sympathies to the family of Ms. Bhutto and the people of Pakistan”. A source close to the party leadership said the party is torn between two camps:

i) the peacenik camp, which wants to play the gentleman and express sympathies & support;
ii) the Akhand Bharat camp which wants to exploit the ensuing turmoil to invade and annex Pakistan.

Our source confided:

The peacenik camp thinks an invasion would be quixotic, but the Akhand Bharat camp has the support of the BJP Chief Ministers of (the border states of) Gujarat and Rajasthan who think a cause for invasion can be manufactured. In fact, Narendra Modi was confident that if the Indian forces marched into Pakistan, they would be greeted as liberators. And Keshubhai Patel is Okay with this plan as long as Modi doesn’t lead them into Pakistan. VHP leader Praveen Togadia has also strongly supported the invasion on the grounds that if we were to take Pakistan now, Godse’s ashes can finally be immersed in the Indus river (while it’s a part of India, as he wished). Both camps have been lobbying hard, and senior RSS, VHP and BJP leaders are currently meeting to decide on the future course of action.

Other reactions

Senior leaders from Bhutto’s Pakistan Peoples Party have begun parleys to decide on the transfer of PPP leadership to one of Bhutto’s children. “It’s irresponsible to claim that any of them eat pork. They can soon learn to speak chaste Urdu and quote the scriptures as well. The PPP will stand by the Bhutto family in its hour of need“, one of the leaders said in a voice choked with emotion. “So what if they ate pork? Jinnah feasted on pork & wine, and spoke broken Urdu“, a bystander blurted out almost involuntarily and soon had to run for his dear life.

In the US, President Bush sported a stunned look and observed in a sombre tone:

More than six years ago, we asked the question, “Why do they hate us?” We now need to add to it another question, “Why do they hate those who work with us?” Three months ago, it was Abu Risha who paid the ultimate price. Now it’s the turn of Benazir Bhutto. I just posed these questions to God, I encourage you to do the same. In the meantime, I urge the people of Pakistan to show the same composure that we showed at a time of national tragedy.”

A White House spokesperson later clarified that when the President said “same composure“, he actually meant “same composure sans the Afghan bombing, suspension of civil liberties at home and so on“. A White House source confided on condition of anonymity that plans are afoot to soon launch “Operation Infinite Hatred” to hunt down every last one of the haters.


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